Spring has sprung,
The grass has riz,
I wonder where,
All the good men is.

Waiting for Mr. Goodbar? I don't think so!

I think I read one too many fairy tales, and saw three, too many romantic movies in my lifetime. According to the media, and a lot of printed matter, we all grow up, we all get married, and we all live happily everafter. Right? Wrong! The fairy tales, romance books, and movies do not include the one key element to a sure cause of relationship failure, (ie. men).

Since I am female, and loyal to my sex. I have to assume that most of the problems in the relationship game are caused by the male of the species, but unlike alot of my 'sisters' I don't compare men to pigs. I have a healthy respect for pigs.

Pigs don't promise to love you forever, and then tell you that the warranty on forever has an expiration date. They don't promise to love, honor, and cherish til death do us part, and then attend your wake, long before you received notice of your death. Men are not like pigs. Pigs wallow in the mud to cool off. Men make mud, and then drag everyone around them into it.

An acquaintaince of mine said he thought that the world had been made wrong. He contends that men should be with men, and women should be with women. His logic, typically male, is that only people from the same sex could truly understand, and satisfy each other. If he truly believes this, then why does he spend every waking moment of his life seeking out feminine companionship? Shouldn't he be seeking out other men?

His greatest goal is to find a woman who will fulfill all his wants, and needs? Of course those needs change regularly. This fact keeps him on a constant lookout for a new conquest. The love of his life has to be of benefit to his current lifestyle. When his mood changes, or the conquest is won, he begins his search anew. Alas, he is male, and therefore, has no idea that the word relationship comes from 'relating' to someone, or something. I guess it's, (excuse the pun), all relative.

Women are searching for Knights, Princes, and Men of Nobel Stature. What they find are Swash Bucklers, Paupers, and Men of Questionable Character. In the movie My Fair Lady the question is asked, "Are there men of good character, where women are concerned?" This question should be drummed into the heads of females everywhere, and the rule should be: until a gal understands this question completely, she is not allowed to date.

The quest for a mate is a lifelong, disheartening journey where only the most determined souls survive. If "Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus", wouldn't we all be better off if we returned to our respective planets? At least then we could get on with our lives without the added burden of waiting for Mr. Goodbar.

Men are like Placemats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like Government bonds.
They take so long to mature.

Men are like Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like Lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like Bank accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like High heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get used to them

Men are like Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Good luck in your quest
Candalee Swayze March 1999
The Unrelationship Expert