I have been struggling with a lot of issues for the past several years; paranoia, low self-esteem, and insecurity to name a few. I can't give you a time, and date as to when they started, but I can without pause state that I don't remember a time when they weren't my constant companions. I know it all dates back to my childhood, and grows from there. It's not the fault of a crappy childhood that I turned into such a mess, it's mine for having survived it. I thought everything was my fault for years, and years.

I based my whole life experience on one foundation. I wanted someone to love me. I didn't have a clue how to make this happen. I tried all the ammunition that I had at my disposal. I acquired new tricks, and talents as the years went by. I learned to be a wonderful martyr. I could climb upon that cross before they had time to chop down the tree. I allowed, heck no encouraged people to belittle, humiliate, and degrade me. I got so good at it, I could put me down faster than the best insult king in town. I said yes, when my insides were screaming no. I always stood back so that the other guy could get his needs met first. I considered myself really lucky if they just weren't mean to me.

I figured that if I didn't be everything, everybody needed, they wouldn't like me, and I would have absolutely no reason for being. I took this philosophy and ran with it. Mama said, "You catch more flies with honey, than vinegar."

It never dawned on me until recently that I didn't have any use for flies. Why the heck would I want to catch them, but catch them I did.

I was standing in the girl's bathroom in school one day, at about age 7 or 8. This girl came up, and slapped me right across the face. I didn't flinch. I didn't cry. Heck, I didn't even hold it against her. I just stood there. I walked away without a backward glance. Years later I ran into her, and the subject came up. I think it had ate at her for all that time. She said the reason she had slapped me was because she wanted to see what I would do. She said it always amazed her that I didn't react. It doesn't amaze me. If I had reacted, like belting her in the eye, for instance, there was a possibility that she wouldn't like me. Today, looking back I see the fallacy of that theory. If she had liked me, she wouldn't have slapped me. DUH!!!

I went through a whole marriage like that. He'd beat hell out of me, emotionally batter, embarrass, degrade, and or humiliate me, and I wouldn't do a thing. I'd just stand there. I never brought it up later. I never said, "I didn't deserve that. No one does." I wanted him to love me. He didn't.

After I left that marriage, I got involved with one of the most self involved individuals anyone could have the misfortune to meet. I went into my usual song, and dance. I climbed right up on the cross, and hung there. Of course, this particular blood sucker took full advantage of the situation, and I just followed along like a brainless twit.

Whatever he wanted was automatically his. I could go hungry, he'd have a new toy to entertain himself. I had wants, and needs, they were irrelevant. He had dreams, and ambitions. It was my job to help him accomplish them. I clung to every pretext of attention. I really thought that after all this he'd appreciate me. I just knew he'd love me. He didn't. I even felt guilty for wanting him to love me. I actually thought I had done something wrong.

Recently I swallowed a big dose of reality. I think I hit one of those bottoms recovery people talk about. I came to realize that this user was only using me because I allowed, and yes even encouraged him to do so. I wanted him to love me, and all I was doing was humiliating myself. I began to grasp the real significance of what being me was all about. It hit me like a ton of bricks one day, and I must say, brought me to my knees. I came to realize at long last that I didn't deserve to be slapped across the face, battered, humiliated, or used. I deserved to be loved, and liked. It's human nature to want these things. There is nothing shameful about it. The hard part for me was accepting the fact that they didn't, and realizing that I was okay. Yes, it hurt like hell. It's an awful thing to come face to face with. I felt like everything I believed in was crumbling away. It was devastating.

I asked myself, "What would happen if they didn't like me? Would they beat me up? Would they ignore me? Would they use me? Would they be insulting, belittling? Would they do, and say things to humiliate me?" After many tears, and much soul searching, I came to the conclusion that these folks just plain didn't like me, let alone love me. You don't treat people badly when you do.

Maybe they only hung around because I was there to abuse, wait on them, and or give them whatever they wanted. Hummmmmmmm...

It only took me forty nine and a half years to figure that out.

Kirstie Alley said it best. Several years ago, in front of millions of viewers she was presented with an acting award for outstanding achievement. She said that she had dreamed of the day when this would happen, and she could stand in front of the world, and name the names of all the nasty girls in school who had been mean to her. However, she didn't. She said, she had the award, and they didn't, and that was enough. Go get em Kirstie.

Looking at myself as a prize, (what an unusual thought), and realizing that I have me with all my good qualities, and bad, my strengths, and my weaknesses, and they don't, somehow makes it okay.

The real award for me today is this warm fuzzy that tells me that I don't need them. Wow what a thought!

Candalee
The unrelationship expert