To cyber, or not to cyber, that is the question. Whether it is nobler in the mind of the internet junkie to get involved with his fellow surfers, or to merely pass by unnoticed into that good night....Sorry William, I couldn't resist.

Cyber sex, yes I said it out loud, is the latest craze to hit the unsuspecting world. This planet we all live on, still reeling from the 60's, and all the free love, closely followed by the aids epidemic, came up with the ultimate in safe sex. No condoms necessary here. No, worrying about what the morrow shall bring. No more coyote love,( you know where you chew your arm off rather than wake up your bed partner the next morning after one too many the night before, and you realize what you went home with).

In the cyber scene there are no puny 90 pound weaklings, and unnoticed wallflowers. Everyone is successful, in shape, beautiful, sexy, alluring, and desirable. No one is dysfunctional, (unless you are in support and recovery chat), and everyone everywhere is equal.

Awwwwww the perfect world at last. All God's children have come to grips, and found the solution to their petty rivalries, and human differences. It's simple, just lie...... If you've ever driven a car, heck, if you've ever seen a picture of a car you can be an Indy 500 driver. If you can spell the word yacht, or a close cousin to it, you can have this conversation: "Yes, well, last summer, while relaxing on our little yacht, you know, the one we just knock around in, I had to turn people away from that tiny affair we threw. 150 people is just enough to make an interesting event, anymore than that is just too much. Sometimes being this wealthy, and popular can be such a drag."

I love it. Like the weather, everyone complains about the pretentious, lying that goes on, but nobody does a thing about it. The shyest of shy people suddenly becomes aggressive, and outspoken. The butter wouldn't melt in her mouth debutante can out wager the most professional of professional women. The heathen can be a Christian, and visa versa. The whole world could actually sit down at their respective computers and settle once and for all world peace. Everyone could be number one, successful, and have no internal, or external problems. If you need to invade another country, you can just go over to a gaming site, and kick hell out of whomever. Yes, the internet is the perfect solution to all our problems.....except........

Late at night when you roll over, and wake up to a cold lonely bed, the temperature of that monitor is not conducive to feelings of security, and warmth, and no matter how many html colors they come up with, it just doesn't create the same feelings as do a hug, or a nuzzle behind the ear.

Well, the internet has come up with a solution for that; Internet match makers. FIND YOUR SOUL MATE, EXPLORE THE ENTIRE WORLD, AND FIND YOUR ONE TRUE LOVE. Mama always said you had to break a lot of eggs to make an omelet. I think she should perhaps have killed the hen, and fried her up. There's nothing like a good fried chicken dinner.

I signed up for the online dating services, and have been having a ball. The only problem is, these guys actually want to meet. Wait a minute! My phone number? You want me to give you my phone number, so you can call me? Every time I visit a new site I end up on somebody's spam list, and you want me to give you my phone number? Why so you can make unsolicited phone calls? Oh yeah, and what if I want to unsubscribe? Will you actually take me off your list, or will you sell my number to a thousand other internet latharios?

I have met some really nice guys online. I figure as long as they stay online they'll remain so. Do you know how beautiful, seductive, desirable, and wonderful I am cause I have a picture up there for them to look at? Apparently it doesn't shatter their PC screens, and therefore I must be a knockout. I am waiting for the onslaught of email after my new column logo gets out. The cleavage is a bit much. None of my "admirers" have seen it as yet. Good grief what have I done to myself?

They immediately send me their picture. Now, I like a frame of reference, but how they look is quite irrelevant. Well, pretty much so. I draw the line at dating Cyclops. They are much too tall, and that one-eye-right-in-the-middle-of-the-forehead thing is kind of nerve-wracking. Other than that I don't have too many character trait preferences on my list. I am more interested in the person behind the hair, teeth, and cheesy grin.

I did qualify an age preference, however. You can actually choose the category that allows anyone from ages 1 to 99 to write to you. I am 48. So I said okay, 35 to 55. That's a nice 20 year spread. It should give me a good range of individuals, right? wrong. If you're 48 and you say 35 then you really mean 20. I now get letters from 3 year olds who want to date me, cause I am so interesting. Well, they might as well be 3, What the heck do I have in common with them? Get out the diapers mama, I'm bringing a baby home.

I asked one 22 year old why he was writing to a woman who was old enough to be his mother. I said what the heck is wrong with you? He finally admitted that he wanted to cut his teeth on an older, mature woman of the world who could teach him a thing or two. Laughing out loud (LOL) I replied, "Honey you probably had more experience in junior high, than I've had my whole life." Then I asked him for his mother's email addy. I think she should know what her son is up to. She probably wouldn't have time to reply though because she's too busy warding off the advances of all the young men who saw her name somewhere.

As a woman the only requirement for being a cyber affair candidate is that you have a somewhat feminine name. Smarter Than You'll Ever Be Girl, Arsenal Woman, Femme de Arsenic, Black Widow Lady, She who can annihilate You With A Single Glance, Her Face Could Sink A Ship, Joe's Ugly Sister, whatever. Cyber hungry men see the feminine attachment, and immediately zero in on that. Candalee is a big draw, except for the illiterates who think it spells Canada Lee. They ask me if I am really a female, and what part of Canada I come from. "Yeah, like I want to date you! Did anyone in your family actually go to school?"

My greatest pet peeve is the dog gone letters: asl. I wrote back, "What exactly is it you're trying to spell?" He replied, "Age, sex, and location." I responded to his answer with, "Old enough to know better than to have sex with a creep like you in any location!"

Which only goes to prove that no matter where you put men, in the real world or in cyberland, they are jerks. Have you ever been in chat and got the PM, "Hey baby, want to have a party?"

Yeah, where, your keyboard, or mine?

Catch ya'll later
Candalee
The Unrelationship Expert