An eerie, chill wind blows through the open window of your car as you turn into the vast parking lot of the company where you work. The wind carries a message. One you can almost hear, but can't quite distinguish. It feels so cold and forlorn as it caresses your face. You feel yourself beginning to tremble. An icy finger runs up your spine as you manouver your way through the other vehicles. The weather outside isn't cold, but you roll up your window, trying to separate yourself from that cold clammy feeling. You want to feel warm and safe again.

You turn your car heater on trying to overcome the feelings of dread and foreboding. That lingering voice you heard in the wind remains in your mind sending sharp pangs of fear throughout your body causing you to tense waiting to spring at the first sign of trouble. It is impossible to rationalize this fear that has so engulfed your heart. Only an awareness of that silent intrepid whisper haunts you; beware, beware.

Hoping against hope that there is nothing out there watching and waiting, you find a parking place as near the entrance of the building as you can find. Inside is relative security, lights, people; so you begin the long journey to the doors and that thing you so crave: safety.

Thought of fear vanish as you realize the one unquestionable fact in all this, you are a man. No real man fears the dark, the unknown, or things that go bump in the night. The old feelings of manliness, and superiority steal over you as you throw back your shoulders and challenge the oncoming night. Must be some small vestige of fear from your childhood that has remained to torment you, you decide.

You reach the safety and seclusion of the building, "thank God". Self-chastisement rears up in you as you regret the words "thank God". It has to be this graveyard shift you've been working playing tricks on your poor befuddled mind. That's it you haven't been sleeping well. Yes, this is where this irrational behavior is coming from. "Alright", having explained that you go to work.

All the while you are doing your job fleeting thoughts of the fear lurking in the parking lot permeate your subconscious, slowly trickling down into your conscious mind. You keep pushing them away trying to hide behind your masculine exterior. Tonight of all nights there is a power failure and the plant is closed. Everyone is being sent home early. You have to leave after everyone else, that is your job, and you take your responsibilities very seriously. You are everything your father wanted you to be. You are proud of your strength and power. In spite of all these manly attributes you balk at the idea of entering that now totally dark and lonely parking lot.

As you leave the warmth of the building you are hit with the chill in the air. You pull your jacket closer around you trying to block out the cold. A breeze kicks up out of nowhere and assaults your senses. You become aware of that same intangible message you heard before. This time you listen very closely trying to catch the words, but to no avail. Suddenly, you become aware of a new sensation. Someone, or something out there is watching you. Looking over your shoulder you carefully begin your trek across the parking lot to your car.

Isn't is strange how many indistinguishable shapes and sounds there are in the shadows caused by the moon shining down on the landscape that you must pass. Funny how you never noticed that before when the parking lot was alive with the soft glow artificial lights, but not now. You become convinced that something is out there waiting and watching, but where? Moving faster you hope with all your heart that you can reach your car before that stealthy something gets to you. Reaching into your tight little pocket you feel the cold metal of your keys. The sharp contrast of the metal against the fabric of your levis feels good to your trembling fingertips. You grasp those keys as if they were a lifeline and you hold on for dear life.

Out of the corner of your eye you see a movement. When you turn to look nothing meets your gaze. The hair on the back of your neck begins to rise in warning. Your pulses quicken, and a small bead of sweat appears at your temple. As if they had a mind of their own your muscles become tense in preparation for the inevitable onslaught coming your way. Your shaking hands reach out, to the small slot that will unlock your car, and the safety within. Wrenching the door open you dive in. "Safe".

You slam the door shut. The engine comes to life, and you gun the motor to reestablish your maleness. You back out and begin your departure from the parking lot with all its cold stillness. Chiding yourself for showing such weakness, and being such a fool you roll down your window to get some fresh air. The evening air wafts into your car. Again you become aware of an added content to the breeze. It carries a message to you on its invisible wings.

This time the voice is clear and precise. The words are unmistakable, in their song of impending doom. "Not now, not tonight, maybe not tomorrow night, perhaps not for a thousand nights, but some night when you least expect it, you'll turn around, and meet your greatest fear. It will come at you from out of nowhere, and hit you right in the face, but for now, She Waits".

Candalee Swayze
Copyright 1982

Once upon a time there was a shy little boy who lived in a dark frightening place. He awoke one sad quiet morning and realized that his daddy was gone. He felt so alone and frightened, and somehow responsible. "Where was I, when he left", he asked himself?

"I should have been there, I could have made him stay. It's all my fault that he's gone," he began to cry.

He didn't know what to do with all the feelings of pain and guilt that now overwhelmed him. He wanted to undo the past, and make it better. Feeling lonely and so very very sad he cried out," Help me! I'm so sorry. Isn't there anyone out there who will listen?"

His passionate cries were met with a cold unfeeling silence. No one came to rescue him from the monsters of guilt and shame that terrorized him. No one even knew he was there. All alone, and dejected he curled himself up into a tiny ball away in a dark corner, and wept quietly.

The small lad resided inside the body of a large adult male, who did not allow the weakness of emotion and pain to affect his life. He thought showing feelings was a feminine thing that only girls and sissies did. It was totally unacceptable to him in his way of thinking. Even though his father was dead, he knew how to remain cool, calm and collected. So, the little child hiding deep within in the darkness was left alone to his own devices. He wept, and no one listened or seemed to care.

Sometimes in moments of quiet stillness, when all the walls were down, the man could hear the little boy weeping. He could feel the powerlessness, and utter desolation of his grief. These feelings made him very angry, and a silent white-hot rage would fill his entire being. An all-consuming fire, it would smother the sounds of the sorrowful moans of the child within. The man would lash out at everyone and everything.

The child and the man existed like this for some great time. Wrapped in their own worlds, totally unaware of each other. They went from day to day feeling frightened, and alone without any solution. The man, maintaining his attitude of strength, and self-assuredness. The boy hiding in the darkness lost and alone.

One day the man overheard a conversation about getting in touch with the inner child, and how much it had helped them with their grief. He was intrigued by the concept, didn't necessarily believe the child nonsense, but wanted the pain to go away. He began a quest in search of the solutions he had heard about. After great deal of soul searching and inner exploration he found, much to his surprise a very young, and loving child.

He reached out his big, strong hands, and clasped the child enfolding him tightly into the safety, and security of his arms. The tears of the child streamed down the mans face, and dropped silently to his chest. For the first time man and boy shared their pain, and grief together. All the loss, all the pain, all the fear was expressed in a deep mournful sound as the man held the boy and rocked him. The man trembled to think that someone so small, and helpless was part of him, and held the key to his own peace, and serenity.

Suddenly, the sun began to shine as tears washed away the darkness. Life didn't seem so dismal, and clouded with the dank mists that had previously engulfed them. He stroked the child with gentle, comforting hands, and knew comfort and solace. They weren't alone anymore.

His father was still dead. He could do nothing about that. Death was part of life and inevitable, but now he didn't have to face it alone. The child began to teach him the answers. Within the child were all the wonderful memories, and feelings that the man had stuffed away. He shared them with this great adult, and they became as one. This hulk of human maleness acquired his greatest strength from the quiet little boy. He learned about the innocent gentleness of childhood, and became strong in the process.

Candalee Swayze
Copyright 1988