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Adopting on Your Own by Lee Varon

If you are thinking of adopting on your own this is the guide for you.

Adopting On Your Own will

• help you decide whether adoption is right for you
• lead you through the various stages of arranging and financing the adoption
• weigh the advantages of international versus domestic adoption for the single parent
• demystify potentially daunting steps such as choosing an agency and preparing for the home study

 Adopting on Your Own also features up-to-date information on

• the latest developments in transracial adoption policy
• the legal rights of gays and lesbians to adopt
• the evolving attitudes of agencies and social workers toward single-parent adoptions

Author
Lee Varon is a social worker with a Ph.D. in social work and the co-director of the Adoption network, a counseling and referral agency. She lives with her family in Cambridge, Massachusetts.

Reviews
"Finally! A book that gives singles who are considering adoption the information they need in decision-making and maneuvering through the adoption maze. I've been waiting for 25 years to find a book that provides this much information of this high caliber."
--Betsy Burch, Executive Director of Space (Single Parents for Adoption of Children Everywhere) and mother of four transracially adopted children

"An invaluable guide not only for single parents but for any parents considering adoption, as well as the professionals who accompany them on their devoted journeys."
--Richard Bromfield, Ph.D., Harvard Medical School, author of Handle with Care: Understanding Children and Teachers

Excerpt

In my thirties I really didn't think about becoming a mother. I was very involved in my career and happy working seven days a week. Then it suddenly hit me as I got close to forty. Suddenly I wanted to be a mother more than anything else in the world-nothing else seemed as important. 
--Amy S., mother of Kate and soon-to-be mother of Alana 

CLAIRE IS A FORTY-TWO-YEAR-OLD physical therapist who also teaches at a large university. She is an independent, resourceful, and self-sufficient woman. She describes her life as hectic but happy. Yet despite her happiness, Claire has begun to feel a sense of loss as she approaches forty-five. "I  always thought I would have a family. In some ways I still feel surprised that it didn't happen. But I guess over the last year I've been coming to terms with the fact that it didn't, and also that unless I do something, it never will." Although Claire was thrilled to receive tenure at the university where she teaches, she felt her promotion had a certain hollow quality when she weighed its importance against the satisfaction of being a parent. " I realized how much I'd always wanted to be a mom," she says.

At a conference Claire ran into an old friend who had adopted a daughter from Peru, and that meeting became the catalyst for Claire's exploration of adoption. After the conference, Claire stayed in touch with her friend, and her interest in adoption grew.

"I think when I was younger," she says, "I was not ready to get married and begin a family. My own parents divorced when I was still in grade school, and my mother raised my brother and me on her own. My father supported her financially but not emotionally, and I watched her struggle. I didn't want the same thing to happen to me." 

As Claire has become closer to her former classmate and her adopted daughter, her feelings of loss over not having a child have intensified, yet she also feels some ambivalence about changing her life in such a dramatic way. She wonders how raising a child would fit into her demanding career and active life. In particular how would being a parent affect her extensive conference schedule? "I wonder if I can make the necessary changes to have a child in my life. Would I have the kind of quality time I would need to be a parent?" she asks, but then she concludes with this thought: "If I don't look into it, I'll never know." 

There are many paths that lead single people to consider adoption. For some there is a precipitating event: turning thirty-five, forty, or even fifty, the end of a marriage or close relationship, a close friend's adopting or a relative's giving birth, the diagnosis of infertility. Some single people feel ready to parent but don't want to have a birth child with an unknown donor or with a person with whom they are not in a close relationship. For others, it is not a single precipitating event that propels them to consider adoption, but rather a growing desire to create a family and be a parent.

Like Claire, I felt satisfied with many aspects of my life as a single person before I adopted my children. Yet I, too, felt that something was lacking. I knew I didn't want to be eighty and have missed the experience of being a parent. I felt strongly about wanting a child, yet my ambivalence was also great. I was so uncertain about adopting that even as I was about to board the plane to pick up my son from El Salvador, I clutched my friend's arm and asked, "Do you really think I should do this?" 

Once I began counseling prospective single adoptive parents, I discovered that this mix of fear and excitement wasn't unique. Like Claire, people come to me with strong and conflicting emotions, hope and fear being the primary combatants. They often say that although they long for a child, they are not sure that adoption will work for them.

You may have picked up this book with many of the same questions and uncertainties that bring prospective parents to my office. As you explore the decision that is right for you, you will gain insight and tools that should help you to avoid the predicament that Claire had found herself in for many years before coming to see me. "For years I was on the fence," she explained. "I'd get close to thinking I was ready to adopt and then all of the old fearful voices would come back. And so I'd panic and do nothing. And then I'd become depressed at the thought of never having children."

Caught in a state of limbo, Claire could neither grieve the loss of the child she would never have and move forward with her life, nor could she make plans to become a parent.

As people like Claire begin to seriously explore the possibilities of adoption, some who felt certain that they would adopt may realize that adoption is not the right choice for them, at least at this time in their lives. They may decide that before they adopt, they need to get other aspects of their lives in order: their job, finances, living situation, or their feelings about being single. Other people who felt skeptical about their readiness or ability to adopt a child may begin to feel that they are ready to go forward. 

REASONS FOR ADOPTING 

It is important to look at who you are, what you want, and what your resources are before you begin the adoption process. As Claire said: "Adopting a child isn't like buying a car. You can't just bring it back if you realize you don't want it." Sometimes it may seem unfair that people who want to adopt must go through so much scrutiny, when millions of parents have birth children without even thinking about it. In some ways, however, as adoptive parents we are lucky to have the opportunity to evaluate our decision to parent thoroughly before going forward. One doesn't have to complete a course on communication and intimacy to get a marriage license either, but imagine how much better off some people might be if they did. Whether or not you ultimately choose to adopt, you certainly will learn a great deal about yourself and your goals and priorities by going through the adoption decision-making process.

In the process of looking into adoption, people often ask whether there are right and wrong reasons for wanting to adopt. The reasons you want to adopt a child will probably be complicated and diverse. And although there are no right or wrong feelings regarding adoption, there are some desires and expectations attached to adoption that may cause problems, especially when these desires and expectations seem to predominate. (See Exercises 2 and 3 at end of this chapter.) 

Having concerns is a normal part of the process. As one woman put it, "You'd be crazy not to have some fears. After all, this decision will affect the rest of your life. You can sell a house, you can get a divorce if you realize you've made a mistake, but once you're a parent, you're a parent forever." in Exercise 4 at the end of this chapter you will have the opportunity to explore in greater depth some of your fears and concerns about adopting.

In order to feel comfortable about being single parents, we need to be at peace with being single. That doesn't mean we may not hope to find a partner eventually. But we need to recognize that children can never fill the role of a partner or confidant, nor should they be expected to provide adult companionship for their parent. Such expectations place an unfair burden on a child, and they can lead to complications and heartache for you both. Although we all hope to have a close and mutually fulfilling relationship with our children, if you sense that what you are really looking for is adult companionship, you should address these needs with a therapist before adopting.

Other issues may arise when a person has had an unhappy childhood and by adopting hopes to create the kind of family she never had. This feeling may be a factor in choosing to parent, but it can cause problems if it is a primary reason. Not only is it unfair to live through your child in this way, but you may also enter parenthood with unrealistic expectations of being the perfect parent and creating a perfect family. Unrealistic expectations of either yourself as a parent or of your child can lead to tension and disappointment. They can also get in the way of developing a close and lasting bond with your child.

Related to this desire to create an "ideal family" is something the director of an adoption agency called a "savior complex." If you feel that by adopting you are on a mission to save the world, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment and placing pressure on your child as well. Your child may feel he always needs to act happy and grateful. If you want to do something noble, donate money to a good charity rather than adopting. If you sense the "savior complex" is at work examine your feelings carefully to find ways to be more realistic and balanced in your conception of what it means to be a parent.

Single people who adopt, like couples who choose to parent, do so because they want to love, nurture, and form a deep connection with a child. They want to create a family. They feel that parenting will give them a sense of fulfillment. Single people who adopt usually think very carefully about how their decision will affect their child. It is not a decision made lightly) or in haste. Having run decision-making groups, I know how single people grapple with all the issues surrounding their decision to parent, including how their child will feel about being raised by a single parent. 

SOME COMMON CONCERNS ABOUT ADOPTION 

Prospective adoptive parents tend to have similar concerns when it comes to adoption. We'll explore some of the more common ones in the following pages. 

How Old Is Too Old to Parent? 

In general, most agencies you will work with will require that you be twenty-one (often twenty-five) years old to adopt. But what about the top age limit? Today, forty and forty-five, even fifty isn't what it used to be. In an age where octogenarians are running off on safaris and many people work well beyond the age of sixty-five, older applicants are viewed in a different light. As reproductive technologies have increased the upper age range of women who are bearing children, the upper age of parents who are adopting has also increased.

In an article written for The Boston Globe in 1994, Barbara F. Meltz found that there were four reasons women became mothers late in life: a history of infertility, failed relationships, a successful career, and lack of prior interest in parenting. The same reasons are often true for men. In the Adoption Network workshops people usually gave a combination of these reasons when explaining why they were adopting in their forties or fifties. 

Many people who come to parenting later in life feel ready to embrace the role fully. Often they possess maturity and a strong sense of self. One difficulty that mature adopters often face is that they may be dealing with helping elderly parents at the same time that they're creating their own family. in addition, some mature parents can feel a sense of isolation. They are not accustomed to caring for a young child, and many of the other parents they meet are much younger. "It's really helpful to have a support network of older parents. Not many of the mothers of my daughter's friends are watching Teletubbies and reading books about menopause at the same time," one fifty-three-year-old mother of a toddler explained.

Older parents worry about the effect their age will have on their children. "It's one reason," Joel said, "that I'm an advocate for adopting more than one child. If something does happen to me, at least they'll have each other. It's easier to deal with an aging parent when you have support. The other thing that helps is having lots of younger friends who are involved with your kids."

Many agencies will ask that there be no more than forty to forty-five years between the parent and the child. But some agencies have increased the upper age limit because they have come to see age as indicative of maturity. They will place children -- even infants -- with single people over the age of forty-five. In the Adoption Network groups we have had a sixty-year-old woman who adopted an eight-year-old girl and a fifty-four-year-old woman who adopted a two-year-old from Russia. Several people in their late forties have adopted babies or toddlers, domestically as well as from Russia, China, Guatemala, and other countries.

The answer then to the question is, yes, you can still adopt -- even a younger child -- if you are in your late forties and sometimes even past fifty. But any good agency will want to discuss carefully the provisions you've made for your child in case you aren't around to parent her.

If you are older, you will need to give even more attention to your support system and your resources. You must consider finding a guardian as well as having friends or relatives who will be available to take an active interest in your child.

In many ways older parents can bring positive qualities to parenting as Maude, a fifty-one-year-old director of a non-profit agency, points out: "Jennifer was three when I adopted her, and now she's entering first grade. it was the best decision I ever made. Even though I am a new parent, and she is my first child, I feel that my age is actually an asset to my parenting. I know I am much more patient and relaxed than I would have been in my thirties or forties. I don't expect Jennifer to be some perfect vision of a child. I am happy to see the person who is unfolding before me. People sometimes say that she's a lucky little girl since she was past infancy when I adopted her and had some delays. But I am the lucky one, to be a part of her life." 

John, a forty-nine-year-old social worker, echoes Maude's sentiments: "The older I grew, the more I regretted not having been a parent. I adopted Jason when he was four. We've been together two years. Am I exhausted? Yes. Am I happy? Absolutely. What's it like being an older parent? I let a lot of the little things slide. I realize in the scheme of things they don't much matter. What matters is that we're a family." 

There was a time when I did not think each day a wonderful adventure, but now I see the world through the eyes of a four-year-old child, and all sorts of strange things bring joy to me.
--Catherine Pomeroy Collins, widowed in her fifties, who went to Vietnam to adopt her son, Ewan. From McCalls, April 1973 

How Much Money Do I Need to Make to Adopt a Child? 

Usually you will need to show that you can raise a child adequately on whatever income you have. You should also be able to show that you have realistic expectations about the expenses involved in adopting and raising a child. People receiving public assistance can adopt children. Although for an international adoption the INS will ask that you have an income above the poverty line, most agencies are open to a range of incomes.

Although the U.S. Department of Agriculture estimates that the cost of raising a child over the course of seventeen years is $153,660 (see Chapter 11, "Finances"), the expense can vary a lot depending on where and how you live. For example, since the three most costly expenses of child rearing are estimated to be housing, food, and childcare, if you live with your parents and they do childcare for free, your costs are minimal. Or if you adopt a school-age child and share a house with another person and usually eat at home, your costs will be different from someone who adopts an infant, lives in an expensive apartment, and often eats out. 

Likewise, although the cost of many adoptions exceeds $10,000, the cost of adopting a child with some special needs or children in a sibling group or a waiting child domestically may be nothing. Furthermore, the costs associated with raising such children might be minimal if they are entitled to various services and subsidies.

The question regarding how much money you need often comes down to determining at what level of earnings you would be comfortable living and raising a family on.

How Much Time Will I Need to Take Off from Work When I Adopt?

Our society is ambivalent about childcare. In Western Europe day care is more accepted, and the main question is how to make it better. In Children First Penelope Leach notes that in Sweden every baby born brings an entitlement of eighteen months' parental leave. This leave can be taken by either the father or the mother. In addition, each child entitles her parent to up to ninety days' leave per year for "family reasons" until she reaches the age of eight. Once the parental leave allotment is used up, parents are entitled to work a six-hour day until their youngest child's eighth birthday. All of these leave entitlements are paid at 90 percent of the parent's wages!

In the United States the situation is quite different for parents. Although a 1997 Bureau of Labor Statistics survey showed that 64.8 percent of mothers with children under six years old worked outside the home, few provisions are made to help them out. When I adopted my son in 1984, many agencies required that a parent take six months' leave to be at home if they adopted a baby. Some agencies required a year. Such requirements were virtually impossible for single people to meet. Some single adoptive parents took as much time as they could and then had a relative care for their child. Others put their child in day care. Others chose to adopt school-age children. Many people chose to be less than candid when discussing their childcare arrangements. As it turned out, agencies did not make unexpected home visits, and there was usually no problem. Over the past decade, agencies have relaxed their requirements considerably. They recognize that even in two-parent homes, both parents often need to continue working. Also, more and more studies have indicated that placing a child in day care doesn't cause harm. A recent study, reported in The Boston Globe of March 1, 1999, by Elizabeth Harvey, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Massachusetts at Amherst, looked at 12,000 people and concluded that mothers who work outside the home during the first three years of their children's lives and place their children in day care or with other caregivers do not harm their children's behavior, mental development, or self-esteem. As a result of findings like this one, most agencies have become more flexible in terms of their parental leave policies. To be on the safe side, however, check out the policies of your particular agency.

Most parents, such as Jamie who runs a medical management company, wish they could take more time off to be at home with their child. "I really wanted to be with my son," Jamie said."I was fortunate to be allowed to take two months of paid leave when my son arrived. I wish it could have been longer." The reality is that it takes time to become a family. But at the same time, for almost all single parents their job is the family's only means of support. Look into your company's policy on adoption benefits. If your company doesn't have any benefits you may consider providing the human resources department with some information. The Dave Thomas Foundation has guidelines describing ways to persuade firms to consider offering adoption benefits.

What If I'm Still Trying to Become Pregnant? 

Irene was still trying to become pregnant through donor insemination when she came to an adoption decision-making workshop. I vividly recall her breaking down in tears one night and sharing with the group that she felt torn in two and just couldn't run from her doctor's office to an adoption workshop anymore. It was making her feel crazy.

If you have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant, you will need to resolve your issues about not having a child by birth before you proceed with an adoption. There's a good reason for doing so, as Irene's predicament makes clear. So does the experience of Rosa, another woman who attended an adoption decision-making workshop. A forty-five-year-old career counselor, Rosa wanted to conceive a child. She had tried three times to become pregnant through in vitro fertilization, an exhausting process. She began to go forward with adopting a toddler girl. She had received a picture and a video of Marina when she finally became pregnant! It came as a total surprise. Rosa gave up her adoptive placement, but it was a loss: "I almost decided to raise two children, but I realized this would be almost impossible with my financial situation," she said. "I needed to work full-time, and I didn't have a lot of family support. When I told the agency I couldn't take Marina, I was depressed for weeks. I felt like I'd had a miscarriage. I kept seeing her tiny heart-shaped face and sad brown eyes. I still see them. I really wish it hadn't happened the way it did."

Rosa's situation points out that it is important to resolve your feelings about not having a birth child and decide to stop trying to become pregnant before you move on to adopt. 

Copyright © 2000 Lee Varon