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FITTING IN

Q: My friend and I used to spend all our free time together, but lately she's been hanging out with a new crowd and saying she needs more time to herself. How can I get her back?

A: Are you sure you've lost her? All friendships have ups and downs, periods of more or less involvement. Your friend's recent pulling away doesn't prove your friendship is disintegrating.

Actually, one of you was due to back off sooner or later. Any inseparable, we-do-everything-together relationship is bound eventually to feel confining. When you limit yourself to one person, you do just that--limit yourself. You don't learn from other points of view, you don't express all sides of your personality and you don't feel like an autonomous person.

Q: What then should I do about my friend?

A: Give her space. Don't resent her for having other friendships. Enjoy the time she does spend with you without making a production out of the time she spends apart.

Meanwhile, try to develop other friendships. Not everyone can be your best friend or even a true friend, but many persons have something to offer: a shared interest, the same sense of humor, common experiences in your backgrounds. With more people in your life, you won't have to depend on one best friend to supply all your needs.

Q: In high school I was never one of the cool people, and it really bothered me. I thought all that would be over in college, but I see there's an "in" crowd on my hall pledging the same few fraternities. Doesn't this in-group, out-group stuff ever end?

A: No, not entirely. Whenever human beings socialize, some cluster into exclusive groups and others get left out. It's the same in employee cafeterias or health clubs or senior citizen communities. At every stage of life and in every setting, you'll find people vying to be accepted and jockeying for social position.

But, happily, the social hierarchy at college is looser than the one-party system you remember from high school. Football stars, cheerleaders and party-goers have status at college, but they're not alone at the top--or rather, there's more than one top. At most colleges there are also social sets for actors and musicians, radio jocks and computer whizzes, politicians and scholars, and an assortment of other like-minded individuals. No single group dominates the collegiate social scene. So if you don't make it with one clique, odds are you can find your place with another.

One question to ponder is your sensitivity to social rankings. Why did it bother you so in high school not to be "cool"? Perhaps as you mature and gain confidence you'll become less concerned about in crowds and social standing and won't need validation by high-ranking peers.

Q: I envy this one woman on my floor, who's got it all together. Why can't I be like her?

A: This question raises issues both about her and about you. About her, you need to understand that, impressive as she seems, there's more to her than meets your eye. She may be brilliant, poised, charismatic, beautiful--fill in your own adjectives--but for her, as for every student, there also exists an undercurrent of doubt and insecurity. Take the word of two seasoned college counselors: No college students feel, in their heart of hearts, that they've got it all together.

As for you, the issue concerns self-esteem. It's not unusual to admire a classmate, to wish you had some of her qualities. But when you elevate her above you, you correspondingly lower yourself. Envy erodes your self-respect. It would be healthier to see her and you--and everyone else--as different in particulars but fundamentally equal. Ideally, you would regard all your classmates as in some respects your superior and in other respects your inferior, but in basic human worth, no better or worse than yourself.

Q: Everyone at this college seems different from me.

A: In what way? Do you mean you're one of the few Latinos? International students? Gays? Nondrinkers? If so, then on one level maybe you're right. The very real challenges of being a member of a minority group on campus are covered at the end of this chapter and in subsequent chapters.

However, some students who say they feel "different" aren't referring to being Latino, international, gay, or whatever. These students feel radically different, alienated from everyone, as if there were two kinds of people on campus--themselves and everyone else. Students who harbor this core sense of differentness tend to feel like outsiders in each new situation, wherever they go. Unless given lots of reassurance, they assume people don't like them. The eminent psychoanalyst Karen Homey described this alienated mind-set as an "all-pervading feeling of being lonely and helpless in a hostile world."

Feeling different can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you assume others are unlike you and won't accept you, your manner will be standoffish. Most people will then view you as conceited or unfriendly and won't bother with you. You make it happen that you end up alone, your sense of differentness confirmed.

Are we describing you here? If so, it's time to reevaluate. Whether or not your present college is right for you, an "everyone is different from me" attitude needs to be addressed--probably with the assistance of a professional counselor--for the sake of your future adjustment.

Q: But why should I waste my time with people here if I don't like them?

A: It may help to think of your classmates as an educational opportunity. Throughout your life, particularly in work settings, you'll be faced with all sorts of personalities, from all sorts of backgrounds. Like it or not, you're going to have to get along with them. College gives you a chance to learn how to do this. If you can figure out how to make connections here, even to deal with people you don't especially like, then you've got a head start on future success. The relationship skills you develop at college will prove as valuable as anything you learn in a textbook.

Besides, we predict that some people you initially don't take to will surprise you once you get to know them. They may even become your friends.

Q: I find if hard to resist doing what everyone else does on my hall. Is that a problem?

A: Like so much else, it depends on the degree. Conformity is a universal human phenomenon and ordinarily no cause for alarm. Doing what others do is an almost instinctive way to fit in. That's why certain expressions and hairstyles and fads sprout up on campus, and why in some circles everyone dresses so similarly that it's like a uniform. Nobody has to twist your arm to speak or act or dress that way. You follow the crowd almost automatically, because you want to belong.

Doing what your hallmates do is okay, as long as they're not up to anything self-destructive. Obviously, it's not a great idea to play copycat if that means excessive drinking or taking other drugs, or having sex when you don't really want to, or joining a cult (more about this later). When your well-being is in jeopardy, you need to have a mind of your own.

It's also not desirable to swallow ready-made values and opinions. Because you want to fit in, you may find yourself almost unthinkingly spouting your group's party line, being scrupulously politically correct, tailoring your ideas to fit the latest campus fashion. But that's not what an education is about. You are in college, after all, to learn to reason for yourself.

One suggestion to locate your own voice and keep peer influences in perspective is to write down your thoughts and experiences in a journal; this lets you make sense of the happenings in your life and draw your own conclusions. We also recommend venturing outside your social circle. You're less likely to tag along mindlessly if you expose yourself to diverse people and points of view.

Q: I find it very difficult to talk to anyone new. Why am I so shy?

A: You can blame your genes or your upbringing. Scientific studies have found that some people are genetically predisposed to be shy. Timid and passive even as toddlers, they have a biologically based tendency to retreat from unfamiliar situations. Other people become shy because of early life experiences. Bullied or teased by siblings or other children, ridiculed by parents or raised by parents who were shy themselves, they learned to be afraid of people and back away.

Does it seem that no one else is as shy as you? Don't you believe it. Most people know how to disguise social discomfort and put up a confident front, but that doesn't mean they feel inwardly relaxed. Surveys show that 40% of the population rate themselves as generally shy, while an additional 15% are shy in specific situations, such as going to parties or delivering a speech.

Q: Can I do anything about my shyness?

A: Absolutely. You may not metamorphose into the life of the party, but you can certainly come out of your shell. Here are some tips:

• Take social risks. Putting yourself in various social situations gives you practice that can increase your comfort level. So start a conversation with your neighbors; join a club; drag yourself to parties; take a speech class. Mingle!
• Set small goals. If you go to a party, plan to say hello to at least one person, to smile at somebody at least once and to stick around a full hour. Small accomplishments encourage you to continue developing social skills.
• Focus on successes. After an event, don't brood about the supposedly stupid things you said or the one person who snubbed you. Instead, think back to the conversation you initiated and the person who was friendly.
• Forget yourself. To reduce anxiety and self-consciousness during an event, pay attention to the conversation you're having, not to your performance. Socializing is like ice-skating: You can't do it fluidly if you're concentrating too much on how well you're doing.
• Consider counseling. Individual or especially group counseling can be helpful for shyness.

A: It could be a number of things. Here are some basics on the fine art of making a good impression:

• Show liking: If you want others to like you, show you like them. Many friendships strike up primarily because one person conveys an interest in the other. To express interest, pay a compliment, ask questions about the person, suggest a get-together, be playful--anything to deliver the winning message, "I like you."
• Listen well. Make sure you really listen to what the other person is saying. A good listener is always welcome company.
• Refrain from self-promotion. Don't brag about your grades or your parents' connections, or monopolize the conversation with jokes and cleverness. The goal isn't to knock people's socks off. Let others discover for themselves what makes you worthwhile.
• Refrain from self-belittlement. Don't confess that nobody else likes you and that you're boring. If you refer to yourself-- and too many "I" statements are tiresome anyway--do so with self-respect.
• Don't come on too strong too fast. Display an interest if you like someone, but don't be pushy about getting close. Let your friendships evolve naturally.
• Try not to censor yourself. Better to make some social gaffes--we all do--than to weigh everything you might say and rule out most of it. Conversations aren't graded like term papers. To connect with someone, simply look for common areas of interest: baseball, jazz, classes, even how you both hate small talk. Once you've found a common topic, let yourself talk freely about it.
• Evaluate your nonverbal behavior. Do you establish good eye contact, generally meeting someone's gaze but without staring? Do you stand appropriately close, neither crowding the person nor backing away in retreat? Do you speak clearly? Do you smile readily?
• Pay attention to grooming and cleanliness. There's no dress code for success in college, but that doesn't excuse you from washing your clothes, cleaning your fingernails or taking a shower. The way to make friends and influence people is not with body odor.
• Get feedback. Ask someone you trust to give you honest feedback on how you come across.

A: Blowing people off affords a surge of satisfaction. For a short while, you enjoy the power of getting back at people who've hurt you and showing you don't need them. They can't fire you, you quit! Blowing people off also lets you jettison those unworthy souls who fall short of your standards. You can do better than them, you tell yourself.

But after the satisfaction fades, an empty feeling typically follows. You made your point and got rid of them--and now you're alone. For this reason, we urge you to hesitate before writing someone off. If the person is really wrong for you, by all means cut the tie. But if you're just feeling a bit disillusioned or temporarily hurt or angry or uncomfortable--and with everyone, sooner or later, these feelings come up--give the matter some thought before you toss the relationship away. The friendship may well be worth saving.

Q: How can I make friends when I'm a commuting student?

A: Some commuters do it simply by approaching people after class, at the student center or in the library. If you're not that bold, then we recommend participating in extracurricular activities. These let you meet other students naturally and can lead to binding friendships. Every college offers a full menu of possibilities: the campus newspaper and radio station; academic and career interest clubs; religious, ethnic and cultural clubs; informal theater groups; varsity and intramural athletics; fraternities and sororities; volunteer organizations; campus government; and on and on. Ask at the office of student affairs for a rundown of your campus's offerings.

Copyright ©1992, 1999 Paul A. Grayson, PH.D., and Philip W.Meilman, PH.D.

The above is an excerpt from the book
Beating the College Blues, Second Edition
by Paul A. Grayson, PH.D., and Philip W.Meilman, PH.D.
Published by Checkmark Books; 0816039860; Jul. 99

Leaving the familiarity of high school and the comfort of family and friends in order to enter college can often be a chaotic and frightening prospect. Students face a number of experiences, situations and responsibilities that are new to them. From test anxiety to depression, sex to eating disorders, and drugs and alcohol to fraternities and sororities, Beating the College Blues, Second Edition answers many of the questions on the minds of modern-day college students. In an easy-to-understand question-and-answer format, students can explore and begin to cope with the feelings and emotions that accompany college life. This indispensable book will help counsel and guide students from freshman year to graduation and beyond.

Author
Dr. Paul A. Grayson is the director of counseling services at New York University. Previously he counseled students at SUNY Purchase, Wesleyan University and the College of William and Mary. Dr. Grayson was the editor of College Psychotherapy (Guilford Press, 1989).

Dr. Philip Meilman is the director of counseling and psychological services at Cornell University. Previously he was director of the counseling center at the College of William and Mary and assistant director of counseling and human development at Dartmouth College. He holds academic appointments as courtesy professor of human development at Cornell and as associate professor of psychology at Cornell University Medical College. He has authored or coauthored more than 70 professional publications and acts as consulting editor for the Journal of American College Health and periodically as a reviewer for the Journal of Studies on Alcohol.