Whispers
Romance Books

Don't Trip Over the Pebbles in Your Path by Roni Bissett

Counselor Offers A Lifetime of Expert Advice

A growing number of people experience the pain of divorce, the desperation of substance abuse and feelings of extreme isolation as they watch their jobs, families and friends slip out of their grasp. Often, the advice and counseling that so many of us desperately need to resolve our problems is expensive, inaccessible and embarrassing. Roni Bissett, who has over twenty years of experience in individual, marriage and family therapy, believes that there is something that many of us have lost track of in the course of our hectic lives: we take little or no time out for ourselves. Many of life’s passages such as marriage, entrance into the workforce, parenthood and retirement can often seem disjointed and confusing to us since we lack the personal foundations on which to support these various endeavors.

Recognizing the challenges that so many individuals face, and trying to fulfill the needs of those who cannot afford counseling, Bissett is now offering advice to all readers in her insightful first book. Don’t Trip Over the Pebbles in Your Path (Veronika Press, 1998, ISBN 0-9661622-0-X, paperback, $14.98) is a collection of 52 essays from Bissett’s newspaper advice column in her home state of Washington. Bissett structures the book around the course of a year, starting with the hope of the New Year and ending with the reflectiveness of the Christmas season and she uses this approach to build an understanding of one’s place within the various stages of life.

Bissett concerns herself with issues of self-image because they present problems for many people. She maintains that the lack of self-worth an individual might sometimes feel can act as an obstacle in relationships with other people. “Our whole quality of life depends on our estimation of ourselves,” Bissett asserts, “for what we believe about ourselves we project to others and the world at large.”

Don’t Trip Over the Pebbles in Your Path offers advice on what people can do to cultivate a healthier inner relationship--a relationship that can ease personal tension and create deeper feelings of satisfaction on an individual level. Bissett draws upon her expertise in various therapeutic approaches, including dream analysis, to provide helpful tips for the reader to develop creatively and spiritually.

Bissett discusses her first-hand experience with nearly all of the subjects about which she writes, utilizing her own intimate knowledge of what it is like to be a housewife, a professional, a mother and a senior citizen to offer advice on life’s challenges and rewards. On the subject of marriage, for instance, Bissett stresses what she calls “interdependence.” “Interdependence,” she says, “…means a mutual give-and-take, a being there for each other in the good, the bad or the in-between times.” She cautions couples about the dangers of allowing each other too little or too much space in a marital relationship, suggesting that too much togetherness may suffocate or stagnate the relationship while too much seperateness may cause distance or alienation. A couple needs to enjoy time together as well as time alone. Yet, she also avoids any generalizations about marriage, saying, “What may work for one marriage may lead another straight to the divorce court.”

At the same time, she does not side-step the difficulties of recovery after a divorce. Bissett breaks this process down into four stages, in which she discusses common feelings of distress, evolution and personal renewal. She describes the long and painful process, while she emphasizes her conviction that divorce can be turned into an opportunity for self-evaluation, exploration and growth. Bissett reminds us, “It’s not as much what happens to us that matters as much as what we do with what happens.”

Likewise, she reveals the endless opportunities that one can discover in retirement. “Before I retired,” she explains, “I did a lot of counseling, a little writing and some teaching. Now I do a lot of writing, more teaching and a little counseling. It’s not a radical change, but I feel more in control of how I spend my time.”

As a parent of six (four sons and two daughters) Bissett shares with us her “four principles of parenting”unconditional love, a good moral value system, boundary setting and consistencyand reminds parents that “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Don’t Trip Over the Pebbles in Your Path is a therapeutic companion that will gain value with every experience encountered in life’s journey.

Excerpts:

Excerpts from Chapter Two: You are What You Believe

We all hold deeply ingrained belief's about God, about ourselves, our families, our community and the world. We hold them, not necessarily because they are true, but because we believe they are true.

Our belief systems are based on our own past experiences, personal as well as global, beliefs about ourselves and our self-worth, beliefs about history, beliefs about what the future may hold, and beliefs about what has value and what has not.

What we believe determines the quality of our lives. We tend to act out and become what we believe and so create a reality for ourselves based on our belief system. Is there anything we can do if we don't like the reality we've created can we change it? You bet!

As we examine our belief systems, investigate the origin of what we believe, consciously or unconsciously we can decide whether it is still relevant to who we are today or desire to become. Combine it with our own life experiences and what we wish to have manifest in our lives, we will begin to move toward a new belief system.

Excerpts from Chapter Six: I Can Do anything Just for Today.

Sometimes we become so overwhelmed worrying about what happened in the past, and what might happen in the future that we lose sight of the present today. We can do anything one day at a time, then soon our many one-day-at-a-time's become a way of life, a habitual way of being and behaving. And much to our surprise, one day we'll wake up to find that life is so much fuller, so much happier than we ever dreamed was possible.

Excerpts from Chapter 12: Keep the Candles of Your Marriage Lit.

A happy, successful marriage can be compared to candelabra or "wedding candle" holding three candles lit and burning brightly, with two smaller candles on either side of a large middle candle.

They are part of one unit with three separate components. The smaller candles represent the bride and groom and the larger center candle symbolizes their marriage relationship.

A happy marriage is a delicate balancing act of keeping all three candles lit - together yet apart functioning individually and as a unit. "To sing and dance together and be joyous but let each be alone - even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music." (The Prophet - Kahil Gibran)

The secret to keeping all three candles lit is to strike a happy medium of being neither too dependent on each other, nor too independent of each other. We call this state "Inter-dependence."

Together - yet - apart - keep those candles burning!

Excerpts from Chapter 17: You can Make a Difference

Each of us has the power to make our little corner of the world a better place - thereby affecting the whole world. Yes, each of us the power to change the world. Each of us is a one of a kind, unique, irreplaceable individual with unique and irreplaceable gifts to offer.

We could all respond to the above with, "Who? Me? Change the world? I'm only one person, what can I do?"

Every act of ours has a ripple effect that moves out in waves touching and affecting peoples' lives in ways we may never dream of. It may be just a word of encouragement to someone in deep distress which enables another to move on. It may be in becoming a role model - others may say, "If he or she can do it - so can I"

Think of a person or persons who by their very presence, friendships and influence have made a big difference in your life. I know there are several in mine and it's hard to imagine my life without them. Become a positive one-person ripple-effect. You can make a difference.

Excerpts from Chapter 21: The Trauma of Divorce

Divorce is at the root of many of society's ills. Poverty, domestic violence, crime, poor education and spiritual malaise often have their origin in the breakdown of the family unit. I don't know of any single life experience which causes more stress, strain, suffering and pain.

Divorce is a process not an event. It is not a date on a calendar which once it has come and gone is over and done with, it does not begin or end with your "day in court." The divorce process has its origin when the relationship first becomes stressful, perhaps years before the actual divorced and may continue for years afterwards, especially if there are children involved.

"You don't divorce the kids." "What about the kids?" is perhaps the most difficult and perplexing question a divorcing couple faces. Divorce ranks as one of the highest causes of pain and anxiety in life - especially for children.

Adults often assume that children are "mini-adults" who are able to perceive situations that seem so obvious. Not so! Children see things through different colored glasses. Divorce often causes overwhelming feelings of powerlessness in children. They may feel rage, despair, shame, fear and hopelessness about their future and don't' have a clue as to how to cope with these feelings.

To lessen the negative impact of divorce on your children, respect and affirm their feelings; listen to their worries and concerns and try to ease them. Assure them of your constant love and support and don't neglect the discipline.

Excerpts from Chapter 25: Love that Teenager!

Teenagers are such wonderful, unpredictable people. Sometimes they are sweet and loveable, other times they are downright unreasonable, frustrating, demanding and irrational.

You may wonder who's losing their mind - you or them! You may also wonder if they've regressed back into the "terrible twos." In a way they have. The two-year old is teetering back and forth between infancy and childhood. One moment he is the sweet charming baby and the next at little tyrant screaming "NO" to your every request.

The teenager teeters between childhood and young adulthood, having just emerged from the more placid latency stage of development into the tyrant again screaming, "NO!" Frustrating as this may be, this too will pass.

Today's teenager faces more challenges and choices than any other youngsters ever have in history. As they face these challenges and choices, they need a parent to be there when needed. To be calm when their emotions run rampant, to be stable when they feel insecure, to be firm and set appropriate boundaries when they want to run amuck, to be a teacher of sound moral and spiritual values, to be an exemplary role model and to set a good example. Rather a tall order!

The importance of being a good role-model cannot be overstated. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

Excerpt from Chapter 50: The Ghost of Christmas Past - Why we get the Holiday Blues.

The holiday season from Thanksgiving to Christmas is an exciting, wonderful time for many, yet for others it can be a time of great stress, anxiety, pain and grief - bringing on a poignant case of the "holiday blues."

Why such totally opposite reactions and responses? Our attitude toward Christmas depends a great deal on our own personal history, our culture and what our experience had been especially involving the celebration of Christmas. It also depends on our expectations - on what we think it "should be." Christmas, "past, present and future" somehow gets rolled up into one big emotional package of feelings that resurface year after year.

For many the joyous singing of Christmas Carols are the grim reminders of a childhood of poverty, abuse or neglect - of parents hurting them or to drunk to care about them or their Christmas. Sadly the cycle keeps repeating itself and today's parents, perhaps unknowingly, recreate the same scenario in their own adult lives and families. For others there's pain, anguish and feelings of failure at being unable to provide for their children as their parents had done for them. These deep feelings can be especially poignant at Christmas.

Somehow as Christmas approaches, our hopes and expectations soar. Maybe - just maybe - things will be better this year. At the same time we may become fearful because maybe they won't! So fear wins over optimism.

To overcome this, take a long objective look at what your observance of Christmas has been. We all have certain rituals around holidays unique to our own families. Examine yours. What has real meaning for you now, today, and what is merely an empty rite which no longer nourishes your spirit?

Whatever the "ghosts" still lurking from the past - bring them into the light of today. Say to them, "That's how it used to be - but that's not how it's going to be." Plan on small changes at first, decide to do something differently. Talk it over with your family. It could be as simple as putting your Christmas Tree in a different corner, or as simple as going to church this Christmas.