Hi Bryan

I have a friend that I am deeply deeply in love with. I have known her since elementary school (we're both 23 now, born in the same month 3 weeks apart). Since then I liked her and through the years my love for her kept growing.

I don't know what to do. She's always on my mind. She is the last thought before I go to sleep and the first thought on my mind when I wake up. I constantly repeat her name in my head and out loud when I'm alone. I love her. But I think the feeling is not mutual.

She has already told me I'm like a brother to her. That hurt me so much. I'm afraid if I let out my feelings it will ruin our friendship. But these feeling are killing me. I desperately want to tell her, but I don't know how to go about it.

I'm sure she suspects I like her more than as just a friend and I'm afraid that makes her uncomfortable. I don't want her to feel uncomfortable. I love her. She's on my mind so much I find myself not concentrating anymore.

I don't care about anything. I'm slacking off at work and college. This worries me a little. It really pains me to be away from her. I love her voice, the way she looks, smells, everything. I feel so empty without her. I want her, I need her, I love her.

Help what do I do? The worst part is she only likes me as a friend. I just want a chance with her. I'm afraid my feelings will drive her away. I don't want that. She's my first love. My only love. I desperately need your advice. I'm going crazy thinking about her. It really depresses me to know she is right in my reach yet I can't get her.

Answer:

What you're going through is one of several major life experiences that separates the men from the boys, and the women from the girls when it happens to them. How you handle this situation, your actions and your behavior, will determine, in part, which group you fall into. The key is how you deal with pain and what you do with that pain.

You already know she doesn't return your feelings because she told you that you're like a brother to her.

I respect you greatly because you see this and are asking me how to deal with your feelings toward her rather than asking me how to make her love you back, which is impossible.

So what do you do?

1) Accept that no matter what you say or do her answer is no. The most difficult part for you to do is accept that as wonderful of a person as you are, she doesn't want what you have to offer as a potential boyfriend, lover, husband and father to her children.

2) Keep loving her as much and as deeply as you do now. Don't try to stop loving her because you can't. It's like trying not to think about an elephant. That's all you'll think about.

3) Take one day at a time. Don't try to get through the next six months, the next six weeks or the next six days. It's too hard. Go one day at a time.

You're having a tough time with school. Visualize her helping you with your homework, getting you through your classes and telling you she loves you and wants you to do well. Do the same thing with your work. Pretend she's encouraging you each step of the way.

Why? Because you need to find some constructive way to get through today and this process will help you do it. Believe it or not, if she did return your feelings of love and affection, you'd have just as difficult a time with school and work, only it would be fun, not painful. I know because I've gone through both sides of the situation. I've also gone through what your female friend is going through, having someone love you deeply and want to get married when the feeling wasn't mutual.

There are some things in life you will never get. How you handle that rejection will make you stronger or grind you down. This is one of those situations.

When confronted with this, boys do everything they can to avoid the pain. They get drunk, they may get stoned, they may take their frustrations out on someone weaker than them, which is why they're boys and not men. A man deals with the situation and his emotions in a constructive way.

Situations like this teach humility. They also teach compassion for when the situation is reversed. If the situation was reversed, and she was in love with you but not you with her, what would you want her to do?

It may help for you to know you're not the only one going through this. There are two women I met years apart, who I was as in love with as much as you are with this woman. They didn't return my love, either. I accepted it and moved on. I'm still in love with them and I hope, wherever they are, they are truly happy.

If you truly love her unconditionally you'll want what's best for her, whether you're in the picture or not. What if someone better comes along for you? As perfect as you think this woman is, there is someone better. Statistically, there are 100,000 women you would personally consider perfect, by your standards. I wonder how many of them are looking for you right now?

This is going to hurt for a while but if you handle it like a man I promise the pain will go away eventually and you'll learn a great deal from it. Handle it like a boy and you're doomed to repeat it at some point in the future while making yourself look stupid in the process.